drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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