You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
