is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize