look no pants
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
