Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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