she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
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