I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
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