she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I'm like, not good at living.
Randomize
