i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
