Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Randomize
