Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Randomize