I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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