There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
