Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
you will always have a special place in my vag
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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