Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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