I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
