Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Randomize
