Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
