then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
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