my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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