omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
