i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Randomize
