So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
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