i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
