Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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