I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
