She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize