We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
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