i already hear my dad disowning me
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
