I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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