I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
