I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
Moan for me like Helen Keller
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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