so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
