So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize