Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Randomize
