I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
