hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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