I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Randomize
