Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
