im about as happy as oj after his trial
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
