I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
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