I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
