ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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