STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
