Don't make out with my wife yet
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Randomize
