yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
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