so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
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