flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
