Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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