My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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