next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
