i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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