I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
