imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
