I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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