Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I love you. Go after that dick
Randomize
